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DiaryRings
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The zen of the father...
I feel awful. I must be so appallingly ugly. There's a terrible burning sense of shame right now that just permeates me. I'm not what anyone wants. This feeling comes and goes, thick waves of existential despair. I don't really have words to fit for a name, but the realization that you are not what anyone wants is traumatizing. I am smart, sweet, strong, passionate, and inventive. I can cook, clean, craft, code... do just about anything. And I am not what anyone wants. Am I too nice? Am I just not appealing? Too cocky? Not cocky enough? No one will tell me, and I'm just so tired of not knowing. Of being ignorant. I don't know the rules, I don't know why I'm losing. But I am losing, and badly.
I have no dignity left, even. I thought I would always at least be able to hold my head up. I'm successful but I am still losing. Still not even near the top. What was my mistake? I'd like to fix it.... but no one can tell me, no one will tell me. I wish I had his dedication.
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D-rev.
